♫♪Rachel's World♫♪

Never enough....

2012-01-23T19:58:00.000-05:00

I've been looking into online colleges for Medical Billing and Coding. I've found this school - Ultimate Medical Academy..and was so excited to look into it. I was telling my mom about it and what does she do?
Give me positive words? No.
Offer support that a mother should? No.
Nothing but negativity. It's so frustrating because now I know why the fuck I never finish what I want to do. Because I feel that I'm not good enough, strong enough or stable enough. It makes me so sad...

Why can't my mom just tell me that I can do anything and she's proud of me for making a decision such as this?? It kills me.

New Year...New Life....

2011-12-21T21:29:00.000-05:00

Finally getting back into my Weight Watchers and going to the gym again after Christmas. I'm so looking forward to this. Cliche'd New Years' resolutions and all that of course occur but when you KNOW it's for good...then you just KNOW. And I know :) I'm ready...

I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise

2011-12-16T22:31:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately, and I believe that I am happy for the experiences I've had in my past. My relationships...friendships...jobs..everything. I wouldnt be who I am today without the mistakes and situations I involved myself in. Yeah we all have our insecurities and issues but I'm happy to be who I am. I don't regret a damn thing.

I used to beat myself up ALL the time about - "Why me?", "What did I do to deserve this?" yadda yadda... all I can say is FUCK all of that! Anyone who has hurt me in my past and anything that has gone wrong is simply due to one fact - They didn't deserve me and I didn't deserve the wrong in my life. Which is why it fucked up so badly.

I'm so thankful. I'm thankful for my family, thankful for having a job and a car. And so thankful for having the confidence to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself - "You CAN do anything". All of the shit I have been through has given me this 'dont give a fuck' attitude now. Ive got this hard shell built up around me, and I wouldn't take it down for anything. Anyone. Some of you may think it's not healthy to have that mentality but it works for me =)

*~*~*
Cause I am not a word, I am not a line
I am not a girl that can ever be defined

I am not fly, I am levitation
I represent an entire generation

I hear the criticism loud and clear
That is how I know that the time is near

So we become alive in a time of fear
And I ain't got no motherfucking time to spare

1 step forward....3 steps back

2011-11-16T12:53:00.001-05:00

I so wish I could let my past go -- every single bad moment I wish it would just fucking go away.
I hate hate HATE letting my past control my life. The 'what if's' keep playing over and over and the trust issues I've had in my past get in the way of every relationship and friendship I try to have. It's so fucking frustrating..

I've been off of Weight Watchers for what seems to be MONTHS now and I'm really angry at myself for letting myself fall off. I'm financially in a rut right now and unfortunately it costs to eat healthy. I try to make as many healthy choices as I can...but it's not doing anything until I can actually afford to buy my groceries.

Damnit I wish I could just get AHEAD in my life. Not pushed back further and further..
It's easy for people to say - "Stay positive" when you're used to getting pushed down every fucking day of my life.

Down

2011-11-09T14:24:00.000-05:00

Im really really in a low place. I dont have the friends in my life anymore that I thought I'd always have.
I've realized that nothing is ever as it seems. Life, love and most importantly friends. Im keeping those that I thought were once so close out of my life. I'm not myself..I need to work on so much and keeping them as distant as they already have been seems to be what's best.

Its not like they will really care anyway.

Blog Friends!! I need your help!!

2011-09-30T21:37:00.008-04:00

My cousin is producing and directing his 1st big music video with the talented Vonzell Solomon from American Idol. Please click the link below and help support his efforts if you can. Thanks :)

http://www.indiegogo.com/The-Vonzell-Project

Get back on track

2011-09-03T22:19:00.000-04:00

I need to get back into my Weight Watchers full force. I've been really bad the past few months and must get back into it. I've had so many issues going on in my life that I need to get back in the gym and work all that shit built up out of my system.

2011-08-30T18:01:00.002-04:00

My past is my past....and that's where you belong and where you'll stay :)

A lot on my mind...but not enough words to express my thoughts...

2011-08-15T19:46:00.000-04:00

It really sucks - how fucked up I am emotionally. There's so much that I want to write and vent about but, I swear I can't find the right words.

I think about Arman a lot. And the moment I get the feeling of missing him, I then remember what happened. And it makes me hate him...

Still around...

2011-08-06T22:57:00.000-04:00

It's been a little bit since I've posted.

I'm still here...still working on my weight loss. Not doing as well and strictly as I was before, but I'm trying my best day to day. Life has it's struggles and this is my struggle moment. But I know I'll push through it, as I do with everything else.

Still having nothing but issues when it comes to guys and relationships. Bump after fucking bump.

So tired of wasting my time...that's all I've ever done. I really don't think I'll be able to trust another man, and that's the honest to god truth. I've been so hurt and screwed over so many times that I don't even see the point of wanting to get close to someone again.

I'm not letting anyone close enough to hurt me again. That's a promise.

I'm still here!

2011-06-01T08:00:00.000-04:00

I've had a rough couple of weeks when it comes to eating right. But it's a new day and I won't be giving up ANYTIME soon! :) I'm in it for the long haul. And I know some days I will fall but nothing is stopping me from getting right back up, dusting myself off and continuing my weight loss journey.

This is it for me :)

And thanks so much for those who've commented and your positivity! It keeps me going!

Post 20 lbs picture!

2011-05-18T07:57:00.000-04:00

Feeling and looking pretty! Last yr, I could not fit into this top :)

5% goal is HIT :)

2011-05-14T11:16:00.001-04:00

As of Thursday I am officially down 20 pounds - which means I've hit my 5% goal! My next goal is 17 lbs which will put me at my 10% goal and a 37 lb loss! :)

A new Rachel

2011-05-05T07:17:00.003-04:00

Today has been 2 weeks since I joined Weight Watchers! And as of this morning I'm officially down 17 lbs! :)

A good friend of mine sold my sister and I her treadmill so I'm sure as HECK going to get good use out of that bad boy! :D

~Thinking~

2011-05-04T09:15:00.000-04:00

You've been on my mind a lot the past few days. Lord I don't know why.
I miss the good before it went all bad. And I miss you, I miss my best friend.
It really sucks it went down the way it did. But I learned the truth about a lot.

You know who you are

May 2nd 2007

2011-05-02T07:16:00.000-04:00

4 years ago today I lost someone that I loved dearly.

Gram - I hope you're proud of the woman I've become today, and words cannot express how much I miss you even more everyday.

I love you so much. - RIP

Update

2011-05-01T18:01:00.000-04:00

Since I weighed in on Thursday - I have lost 5 more lbs!! Making my total loss so far 12 lbs in 12 days! :)

AHHHHHH!! Im soo happy!!

Weight Loss update...

2011-04-29T10:21:00.003-04:00

I am proud to say that since starting Weds of last week I have lost:

7 lbs !!!!!

I know now that I can only go up from here. I feel unstoppable and so accomplished! I'm so proud of myself! Never did I think that this was something that I could actually do, and with the help of Weight Watchers I know this is something that actually IS possible. I'm finally doing something for myself and I know it's right.

I know my Gram is looking down smiling at me right now, and the thought of that helps. But most importantly, knowing I have so many supportive family members and friends helps motivate me even more.

I can do this!

Day 7

2011-04-25T23:05:00.001-04:00

So tomorrow will be an official week since I've started my new healthy lifestyle. And I have to say that it has been an amazing road! It's been challenging but not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Ive started going back to the gym with Beck, and am proud of my half a mile today! I'm determined to work my way up to that mile mark very very soon!

Tomorrow should be my official weigh in day @ Weight Watchers, but I went with Becky to join last Thursday. So I have an extra 2 days to work on my fitness before I weigh in for my official week. :)

I can't wait to see the results of my hard work!

Day 2

2011-04-21T21:37:00.000-04:00

It's day 2 - and things are going great! I'm drinking plenty of water, eating my fruits and veggies....maintaining my points and all that good stuff! Becky and I are starting back to the gym on Monday.

I usually give up on this after a day or 2 but I know this is it for me....and I cannot wait to take this journey.

I know it's going to be long and have a ton of ups and downs, but I know I can do it!

A new Day.....A new ME

2011-04-20T07:17:00.001-04:00

As of today, I am now an official member of Weight Watchers. I signed up yesterday, and I must say that I feel very confident in this program! It isn't at all what I thought it was, and they make it easy to be able to keep track and keep your weight off.

My starting weight is 370 lbs. I am completely ashamed of that number, and will never look back to see it again.

Every Thursday I will have my loss totals posted, this will not only keep record of my loss..but will also show those who read my posts how I've been doing.

Thank you to those who've wished me well and whom read my blog. I really appreciate it!

My friend Ty and myself

Wow..

2011-04-18T22:33:00.000-04:00

Just when I thought things were going so well with Jawone..I found out some deceitful information.
He has a girlfriend that he's been with the whole 9 months we've been talking. I found out via a Google search I did to show my aunt his artist page on Myspace..and unbelievably, he not only had 1 Myspace account...but 2. The 2nd I clearly didn't have. I can't believe I was fucked over once again. This was someone that I took my time with....someone I got to know..someone I actually felt comfortable enough to let my guard down for and look where it got me.

After taking so much time to heal the wounds from you-know-who...I now have to deal with this.

I'm so fucking hurt and upset that I can't even think clearly right now.

Why am I always getting hurt! I don't get it! I haven't done anything to deserve this...but it seems to keep happening over and over. I don't really think I can trust anyone now. When you think you know someone, think again.

Men

2011-04-17T02:10:00.002-04:00

Every single man on the face of this earth can FUCK OFF!!

RIP

2011-03-21T17:37:00.000-04:00

Found out a friend of mine took his life yesterday. I'm in complete shock...

Cherish your life because you never know when your last day will be.

RIP - Johnnie

The new love of my life...

2011-03-03T23:11:00.000-05:00

This is Maddy :)

March 8th

2011-02-22T20:46:00.000-05:00

So I'll be 25 in a few weeks. It's crazy...I used to think 25 was light years away, now it's right around the corner.
I'd like to do something kind of big or something for it...considering it's my MID 20's now...it's kind of an exciting year...I'm just not sure as to what to do.

Thoughts or ideas anyone?

Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T20:34:00.002-05:00

What a joke..

Waiting

2011-01-29T22:54:00.000-05:00

I hope my life gets better than this...

When will it be my turn at happiness? I always get so close only to have it fall apart all the time...

It's really damn depressing

Life update

2011-01-25T20:42:00.000-05:00

Man oh MAN have I been soo super busy!! We finally moved into our new office building in Farmington Hills and it is beautiful! We have new computers, flat screen monitors and we even have our own email addresses now. (May sound lame to you but in a professional setting - it's super exciting!) Or maybe it's just me but whatever =P I have been busting my hump at work and this weekend was supposed to be a nice time with my best friends for Melody's bachelorette party but I of course ended up throwing my back out at work Friday night. So I spent all weekend laid up with a heating pad and a bunch of pain meds that didn't even work. Go figure. Then Monday Melody and Kyle got married. It was a sweet little ceremony. Now today was my official 1st day at the new building. We've unpacked so much but we still have so much more to go through and organize it's INSANE! I'll probably take some pics of the new office to flaunt off so...I'll keep you posted on that.

I guess that's enough rambling for now. More someday soon..stay tuned Blog world.

A New Chapter

2011-01-13T11:40:00.000-05:00

I have decided to make some new life changing decisions. I've decided to go back to school. I'm going to go for Medical Billing/Coding. It's something that I really really want to do, and feel that is something I should be doing. And starting Sunday, I will be going back to church. I really feel that bringing back positive things into my life is going to improve my body, mind and soul.

Here we go :)

2011-01-05T19:19:00.002-05:00

I'm proud to say that the dieting thing is going quite well. Havent had pop or any fast food since Monday and it feels great! I know I have a long road to go but taking it day by day.

It's my time

2011-01-03T18:20:00.000-05:00

Well, today I started my diet. I was weighed today and it's not something I'm proud of. So today is the day 1 and I've done very well. Onto the next :)

Week 1
Weight: 370 (HORRIBLE)

Gram

2010-12-24T08:42:00.000-05:00

I don't know why, but this holiday season has been exceptionally hard accepting the fact that my Gram is gone. It's been 3 years already but still feels like it was yesterday that she was taken away from us. My fondest memories with her were always the Holidays. She always made our Christmases so amazing and wonderful. Every year we would go for weeks starting right after Thanksgiving helping her bake TONS and TONS of 12-15 different kinds of cookies. Making platters for all the Aunts/Uncles and older grandkids with children..neighbors; etc. Becky, my cousins; Jennifer and Amy and myself made it a tradition to meet over Grams and decorate her house.Jamming with Gram to the Christmas music on the radio, her yelling at us about the Christmas lights not being too close together because it'll look stupid. It always looked so beautiful though. She had a huge tree that took up half of her living room that we decked out from head to toe full of lights and it was just so beautiful. I miss that.

I miss you so much Gram. I know you're not in pain any longer, but selfishly I do wish I still had you here. So much has happened and every time something else happens I always ask myself; "What would Gram do or say?" you were my shoulder, my best friend. My everything. You were an amazing woman.

Merry Christmas Gram, I love you so much.

*~*~*~*~*

My immune system sucks

2010-12-19T10:12:00.000-05:00

Ugh I'm finally getting back to being myself again. For the past week, I've been sick with strep throat and pneumonia. Missed practically a week from work. Still stuffed up but I at least am back to being Rachel lol

My Past...And the old me...

2010-12-05T19:03:00.000-05:00

I was cleaning out my dresser drawers last night and I came across something. It was a letter. A letter 'he' wrote me. (He who shall remain nameless). After reading it, It took me back to that very moment. I remembered how great things were then. That was right after we officially met...and things were so good. And I remember in that moment how happy I was. And suddenly, I ended up feeling really sad because I realized that I'm not the same happy girl I once was...especially in that very moment. I've lost that girl. I have to admit that never in my life had I ever felt what I felt for him. Yes, I've loved past boyfriends but, he was truly my first love. And not because of the love we felt but the closeness we shared. And I'm pretty much over it all, but in moments such as finding the letter or every so often, those feelings come back. And it hurts. Because I've lost someone I cared so much about. But then I remind myself every single time those memories and feelings come back that it was never ever both ways. It was all one way. And I was an idiot for ever even letting myself love him. Especially considering how he thought of me. A secret...which I never deserved. I gave him so much of me and let down so many walls...and it got me where? Nowhere but broken hearted. But anyway - I've had this on my chest all night and I needed to vent...needed to get it off my chest somehow. A few months ago I wrote this song/poem and it definitely matches well with this feeling I'm having.

Should've Known:

Weve been over for a while now..
Thoughts of you still burn.
Why can't I get over you?
This page I cant seem to turn.

I've never been this torn up inside.
Left broken and alone.
Everything we had was a lie
Telling myself over and over - I shouldve known.

I should've known you'd hurt me.
Build me up, then break me down.
Made me believe it was somethin real.
Now you're nowhere to be found.
I hope someday you realize
What you had, and what you lost.
Cuz baby I should've known -
Heartbreak would be the cost.

The memories play over and over
The 'what ifs' lingering in my mind.
Was there something I couldve done different
To save you and I?

Everything happens for a reason
Is what I keep tellin myself.
He wasn't the one for you,
Move on - you'll find someone else.

I should've known you'd hurt me.
Build me up, then break me down.
Made me believe it was somethin real.
Now you're nowhere to be found.
I hope someday you realize
What you had, and what you lost.
Cuz baby I should've known -
Heartbreak would be the cost.

No matter how much you say you're over things. You honestly never are. Not completely. You'll always still slowly put together little pieces of the shattered mess that was left. But I know I can do it. I'm strong.

2010-11-25T09:14:00.002-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Trial and Error

2010-11-14T18:22:00.002-05:00

I think a 3 hour distant relationship can work if both parties are willing to compromise. And not to mention - be trusted. But it sucks to admit that I dont think he's gonna cut it. Theres quite a few bad reasons that out weigh the good, so I'm taking that as a sign. I gave him a fair chance but yeah, it won't work. I don't know if I'm being overly cautious - I don't know.

I fucking hate this. Will I ever be able to trust someone again? I've given it time. But man, will that scar and fear always be there?

I wonder...

2010-11-08T07:36:00.000-05:00

Do you think something can last with someone if they live 3 hrs away?

On the back burner....

2010-10-27T12:52:00.000-04:00

Well, my mom and I are okay for now. We still havent technically made up. But she's talking to me a little, and I am talking to her a little as well. But, thinking more indepth of my decision to move - the only pro I'd have is that I would have more freedom (maybe). But it would cost me even more living out there, considering I'd be basically driving an hour to AND from work everyday once we move. I'm just going to suck it up - not fight with my mom and just keep cleaning more and what not while still saving money. Once I save up a little over 2 grand - I'm going to start looking for apartments.

I tend to make my decisions impulsively when I'm mad or excited. And I guess that could either be a bad thing or a good thing. But situational, I suppose. Most of my impulsive decisions havent been the best ones - so I think I'm just going to follow my heart on this one and stay. I do love coming home to my family. It makes me secure knowing I have them in the next rooms when I'm sleeping. Seems silly, but it's little things like that that make me glad to be at home. Writing these blogs the past few days have also really helped me take out my feelings in writing rather then taking my anger out on Becky or my mom some more. She just really frustrates me a lot of the time and neither she or myself TALK to one another much. Only because it's hard as HELL talking to that woman. Trust me, I've tried a million times.

Anyway - Belleville isn't happening at the moment. It's still a backup plan though so - don't tempt me FAMILY! :P

More later - back to work!

2010-10-26T19:27:00.000-04:00

Well - I'll be moved to Belleville come Sunday. Kinda sad things had to happen the way they did but. They happened. I'm sad I'm leaving my home but - it's gotta be done.

DONE

2010-10-25T17:15:00.000-04:00

My mom and I got into a major fight today. She pissed me off SO bad! She started on a bitch fit and text me telling me that I basically don't do anything around the house. Which is complete BULL! I find myself coming home after working all day to a sink full of fucking dishes that I have to do because NOONE else will do them. So then she went on to say how shes tired of me disrespecting her and how I should be ashamed of myself for the way I treat her. Its complete bullshit! She throws these stupid childish guilt trip shit in my face for NO reason! I definitely earn my keep here! Who picks up Becky from babysitting EVERY night? Me. Who makes sure Becky gets to class - ME! I pay my rent every day I get paid and am NEVER late. So its such bullshit that I have to deal with this shit. So - Ive made the decision to move out. I'm moving to Belleville to live with my Aunt. Hopefully things won't be as hectic there as they are here. I'm tired of not being able to live my life because I'm bowing to everyone elses wishes and needs. Fucking tired of it!

And most importantly - I'm tired of my mom. She acts like she does NO wrong, and I'm not going to sit back and let her guilt trips get to me anymore. They''ll find out how crucial I was in this household once my car, and my rent money are no longer available to them.

Excuses Excuses...

2010-10-12T10:13:00.000-04:00

I really think I have hit my bottom. They always say that you do once in your life, and I think this is it. This doesn't have to do with my job or home life or anything, but hitting a bottom with my health. I've said it SO many damn times that I want to make a change, that I need to. And thats it. I just SAY it and never follow through - or I start and never finish. This is it. I can't give any more excuses. My life, my happiness, and so much more is on the line if I don't make the change right now. I never realized how depressed and unhappy I really was with myself until just recently. I seriously look in the mirror every day and hate what I see. Disgusted. How can anyone else like me, if I don't even like me?

I have so much to live for. I am still so young and have so much life ahead of me so why am I just sitting back? I want to LIVE my life. Not just watch it go by.

The time is now, Rachel. Now. Before it's too late.

Single

2010-10-10T22:22:00.000-04:00

I'm feelin really lonely. This being single shit sucks. Finding a guy that wants to hook up is obviously no problem at all, but definitely not my kind of thing. I don't want hook ups. I wanna be with a good man, someone that I can share everything with...all the important things and so much more. I really miss all that.

......

2010-10-04T19:51:00.002-04:00

Had an amazing weekend!

What happens @ the hotel - stays @ the hotel! ;)

Hotel Room Confessions - LOL

2010-10-02T10:20:00.000-04:00

So, I'm sitting in a hotel room while my aunt is in the other bed next to me sleeping like a baby. I'm bored so I guess I'll write a little. Don't know exactly what I'm going to write about but we'll see how far I get lol.

Work is going fine. It's been wonderful having Marcie and Christine at the office. They're great! We are moving to Farmington Hills within the next couple of weeks and have NOTHING packed! lol The move is going to be crazzyy! I still havent seen the building yet but my field manager Jimmy tells me it's absolutely beautiful. So I am super excited to move! I've been pricing apartments around the area so I don't have to commute, but I'm going to have to deal with it for a while until I can afford to pay a security deposit. Because I know with my credit mine will be higher than most. It'll be so nice to be out on my own. But I do like coming home to having my family there, you know? So being on my own again after so long is going to be a little weird but I NEED it lol because I need some sanity in my life again.

Theres really not much else going on in my world at the moment...working and then come home pretty much.

I don't know i'm done writing. This was a pointless blog lol

More later when I have more interesting things to say!

Updates

2010-09-15T20:55:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I've actually written a decent catch up on here..

Things have been decent. Finally bought a new car, as you can tell from the pics below. She drives alright; still needs some more work but I'm getting it all taken care of in a few more weeks. So she should be in tip top shape after then. Thankfully. I'm broke as hell now lol but it's alright, I desperately needed a car. And my family is finally stress free in that aspect.

Work is goin alright. They hired someone to finally help me out with everything, and I also have a new office manager. My helpers name is Christine, and my managers name is Marcie. Christine is great, she's kind of shy and is such a sweetheart. Marcie is pretty nice. She has her bossy moments but I guess that's what I get out of a manager lol. My office is moving in 3-4 weeks to Farmington Hills. That move is going to be crazy! Tons of files and crap to pack up and haul. Yeah...looking forward to that. But apparently this building is 10 times bigger and they're completely gutting/remodeling it. So I'm definitely looking forward to the new change.

My mom is doing very well. This is the farthest we've come...so things hopefully will only keep going up from here. The doctor wants to take out her rod by Christmas, but mom has had to have surgery right around Christmas for the past 2 years and so she's going to get him to hold off until the 1st of the year. Hopefully he will agree. He better.

I'm doin alright. I guess. After everything that I have dealt with and went through the past year or so, I have definitely come out a different person. And honestly, I can't completely say it's for the better. I'm not the happy, bubbly person all the time like I used to be. I'm not the dreamer anymore...more of a pessimist. I definitely have some depression issues. I hate it. I want to get back into going to the gym and eating right...I definitely need to. I seriously cannot stand what I see when I look in the mirror. I look disgusting. :/

Anyway, I'm getting distracted by family so...more later, maybe.

Self Explanitory :)

2010-08-30T16:55:00.002-04:00

Lame update...not even an update lol

2010-08-25T19:48:00.000-04:00

Life is seriously pretty boring at the moment. Work, come home...pick up Beck from work, and repeat the next day. And once my weekends get here I'm so worn out from work to really do anything. I had the flu this past weekend which suckkked but I'm A - ok now :) so yeah...

blah blah blah life is ok.

Until next time

Ahhhh :)

2010-08-03T19:20:00.000-04:00

Well - I'm sooo happy to announce that I finally got what I've been working so hard for. A RAISE!! I'm officially now making $12 an hour. That may not be much to some of you, but to me that is freakin awesome! Especially since I'm trying to save up to get my car and get a place of my own. Only moving on up from here guys! :)

FINALLY!!

Moving on up!

2010-07-17T08:11:00.000-04:00

Well, I had a meeting with my bosses yesterday. I think they knew how incredibly overloaded and stressed I was that they asked to take me to lunch to talk. And I told them exactly how I felt. I told them that I'm doing a 3 person job all by myself while maintaining dispatch and handling the phones as much as possible. My job has me stressed and frustrated everyday and I have been incredibly behind for pretty much the past 2 months. And I told them that they almost lost me last week. That I almost got up packed up my things and walked out. And they made sure to let me know how they don't want to lose me, and that they need me. They said they are so proud to see how far I've come in the 4 years I have been there. They promised that as soon as they can I will be getting a promotion and are going to hire someone under me to help strictly me out. And I mentioned to them about wanting to take some classes to further my knowledge in Excel and Word programs and they told me that they would be happy to pay for those classes for me. So I thought that was great! I'm definitely going to look into those classes as soon as I can. I'm going to give the guys the time to change some things around for me in the office, but I'm not going to wait forever. If things don't change sooner rather then later I will be looking for new employment. Sure anyone would like a high paying job that has a 401-k and every other amazing benefit to it. Of course! But I want to give these guys a shot because I truly do love One Way. I love my co-workers. I really work with some great people, and I think I have a lot to bring to this semi-still small company. We are growing on a day to day basis. In 5 months or so we will be moving to a much bigger office with a full kitchen and bathroom. That may seem stupid to you guys but trust me - if you saw our offices now you'd understand, lol. Our kitchen consists of a mini fridge, microwave, toaster oven and coffee pot sitting on filing cabinets in the main office area. The building itself is even a shit hole so...this is a definite upgrade. They're doing a lot of remodeling and what not in the new building so it's going to take some time before we can finally move in there. But this is why it's so imperative that I get a car. The office is in Farmington Hills. So from my house thats a pretty decent drive. And now that Scott has a job, I definitely need a new car. So everyone please, I need some good happening in my life and I deserve it - please keep your fingers crossed for me.

I'll of course keep you guys posted on how things are going

Closing my doors for a while...

2010-07-15T16:45:00.000-04:00

I'm not trying to pull a 'Whoa is me' card but honestly, why in the hell does bad shit always seem to happen to me? Why do I always end up getting hurt, getting burned by the people that I trusted, and most importantly treated like I'm not good enough? It's depressing as shit. I really think it'd be in my best interest to just shut the world out (especially the net world) and just keep in contact with close family and friends and go to work. That's it. Socializing and meeting new people always turns bad for me. I'm so tired of getting fucking hurt.

This may be my last post for a while.

Standing Tall

2010-07-13T12:05:00.000-04:00

There is no way I'm going to let certain people bring me down and keep me there. Especially knowing that I am so much better and deserve so much better.

Karma...

2010-07-12T18:01:00.000-04:00

So I found out a girl that I have been such great friends with for a few years, is now dating Carl. They've been talking since I introduced them last month - which I was worried about when I found out they were Facebook friends. I knew I should have trusted my gut but I of course didn't.

It really pisses me off that he let me shell out money that I didn't have for a room only for him to dump me the next day and then start dating a supposed friend of mine. Yeah...fucking douchebags. both of them. They deserve one another and I certainly hope Karma gets them both, and gets them good.

A Change gon' come...

2010-07-06T20:46:00.000-04:00

I am determined to completely change my life around. My goals to change are:

My Health (Obviously a priority)

Car
New job
My own place

My family and friends are really the only good thing in my life right now. I really hate my job. I know that not every job is loved or is a cake walk. But you can only handle so much for so long. I've given almost 3 yrs of hard work and I know it's never going to pay off at the place I'm at. I can't move up and I'm sure I'll be making what I'm making now permanently. The girls in the office and Jimmy I adore. But everything else is just bullshit after bullshit. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling stuck and miserable. I need to make changes, and I need to do them NOW. I've been working on each of them to the best of my ability right now. And will continue to do so and push myself harder and harder.

I guess time will tell.

Wow...

2010-06-16T19:40:00.002-04:00

Fuck exes. Arman? Yeah - I'm forgetting he ever fucking happened.

In ALL of my life, noone has EVER made me feel like an embarassing piece of shit. And he certainly did.

So thank you, I finally realize things now. And I'm sorry I ever wasted a moment of my life and fucking heart on you.

Bad Day

2010-05-25T16:44:00.002-04:00

So, I got really upset today. Samantha seriously used the WRONG time to share her concerns about my weight. After recieving that nasty email, she let me know she read it and then got right into me and my weight. Talking about how she doesn't want me to become bed ridden and shit. I will NEVER ever EVER EVER allow myself to get that way. Just because I'm fat, that doesn't mean I don't try and take care of myself as best as possible. I do what I can for an obese person. But people don't get that. And what makes me angry even more, is the fact that she didn't lose her weight by working it off! She was lucky enough to have surgery that helped her lose hers. I dont have that luxury! I have to lose this ALL on my own. It's NOT fucking easy. I know allllll of the health risks related to obesity. Weightloss is a fucking struggle. You be 360 pounds and try to lose the weight. Fucking try it.

I am so tired of the 3rd degree, and most importantly the judgements. People do NOT know what I deal with in regards to my weight on a day to day basis.

I just want to give up and tell everyone to fuck off and leave me the FUCK alone!!

The Email

2010-05-25T08:58:00.000-04:00

Someone wrote me a really mean email yesterday on Myspace. I know I should just ignore it because of their rude judgemental stupidity...but it's easier said then done.

This is what they said.

'i hate to break it to ya but you will never find a man in your entire life being as grossly obese as you are,maybe if you gave a shit about yourself someone else might care one day,just some words of advice spend less time eating and more time exercising'

It really makes me angry how cruel people can be. Especially toward a complete stranger who has done NOTHING to them. It upsets me beyond words.

Overshare Blog

2010-05-24T16:49:00.000-04:00

*WARNING* If you're a guy reading this. Stop now! I am talking about girly things that a wide majority of you do NOT want to hear. Please hit the back button. Thank you. :)

So, my monthly curse 'kind of' graced me with it's presence on Friday night. And it's been doing the same thing it did last month. I've been holding off on making an appointment for the ultrasound to see how it will turn out. But yeah it's doing the same as it did last month. So, I went ahead and made an appointment for Thursday. There are tons of reasons as to why my period is acting the way it is...so I mean I'm not completely worried. But I am just a little. I've never been irregular before, and it scares me. I mean obviously, as you get older things change. I guess I just didn't picture anything changing at the age of 24. Sigh. But, I'm sure it has a lot to do with my weight. But then again, every problem I've ever had probably relate to me being fat. So yeah...anyway...please keep me in your prayers that this ultra-sound doesn't give me incredibly bad news or anything.

You would think after all the news I've gotten about borderline diabetes and shit - that I'd start immediately back into working out again. Well, I havent. What is wrong with me?? You would think this would teach me a few things. And it HAS but, I'm not acting on taking care of myself like I need to. I'm really angry at myself.

I know I say, oh well as soon as I get paid I'm going to go grocery shopping and start working out. And I NEVER do. This time I NEED to keep on my word. This is life or death for me, really...and I need to get back into gear ASAP. Otherwise my body is going to keep on ticking like a damn time bomb as it is right now.

Anyways - I will let you guys know the results of my tests. But please, pray for me.

With love,

In the mind of an overweight person...

2010-05-18T16:35:00.000-04:00

Went with Sam yesterday to pick up one of her bridesmaid dresses at David's Bridal. And Melody ended up meeting us there. I'm telling you, there isn't a bigger wake up call then going dress shopping. Seriously. They had a littttle rack with dresses in my size. (Wedding gowns that is - and obviously not getting married anytime soon, but it's still nice to look) :)

Anyway...so it got me thinking about Melody's wedding. And my huge fear of the dress she wants me to wear not fitting me. Especially since it only goes up to a certain size. I really hate being a big girl. Honestly, people don't know the shit we seriously have to go through and deal with on a day to day basis. And what sucks is that losing this weight is going to be hard. Obviously I know, life and the choices IN life are hard. But try being a large person needing to lose a ton of weight. Seriously, it's an uphill battle. I get those moments where I'm completely for losing weight, got my goals set and I'm gonna GO for it. And then I get those discouraging moments where losing weight is fucking hopeless. I told Melody last night that I thought it'd be best for me to step down from being a bridesmaid. After telling her that, she was clearly upset about it but understood. Then after talking more, she asked me if I'd do her a favor, and at least give her until January. Keep my focus on the weight loss until Jan. And then come Jan if I'm still not comfortable, I can step down. But I'm not going to step down again. Uncomfortable or not. This is my best friends wedding.

Melody would meet me at the gym during the week after Becky would get done babysitting around 10-10:30 or so at night. And honestly, that just kinda took a toll on me. Getting up early and then not coming home till late and not getting to sleep at a decent hour due to my body being all hyped up from working out. So, I'm going to start going after work by myself. Go home and eat dinner of course and then go to the gym and work it off. That seems to be the best way and do-able. Definitely do-able. I just really need to stick to this. I dont want to become a diabetic. I want to be able to wear the wedding dress of my dreams someday, have kids. I want be able to live to see the age of 40 and 60. and live to see my grandkids. So many things to work hard for. I just have to keep pushing that discouragement away, but it's definitely not easy or going to be.

Weekend

2010-05-16T09:58:00.000-04:00

I really truly hate my bed with a passion. I swear every weekend I wake up and my back is killing me. I never have this problem during the week though, once I'm out, I'm out for the night. But the weekends are completely different. It's really annoying. I'm extremely tired and yes very grumpy.

My weekend was alright. Went to bed early ish Friday night. Didn't go anywhere. And then last night was the Volupt's Last Chance Prom. Which was really friggen lame. It's nice to see friends of mine when I go but man it just wasnt fun. And it made me miss being with someone. :/

I was thinkin about this the other day. I'm over Arman and everything. (Obviously do love him and probably always will love him) but not to the point of wanting to be with him. But when we talk sometimes and he mentions his girlfriend. He's proud of being in a relationship and he seems happy. Which is great, I really am happy for him. But it hurts knowing that I never got that side of him when we were together. And it made me realize how artificial myself and our relationship really was to him. And that bothers me. But oh well.

I don't know but, anyway. I'm gonna go start some coffee and make some breakfast. Wake the family up with the delicious scent of sausage, eggs and pancakes :P

2010-05-12T11:06:00.002-04:00

Depressed and annoyed. Among other things. No I dont want to talk about it.

Updates

2010-05-05T16:46:00.000-04:00

It's definitely been a little while since I've written, so I guess I better get to it!

Life has been so friggen busy! Ive had to deal with surgeries, dances, weddings...and have another wedding coming up! Nuts I tell ya!

Mom was admitted to the hospital AGAIN today. She has an infection in her pick-line so they need to pull it out and put in a new one. And then tomorrow, she is having surgery again. Thankfully nothing being done to the femur - but the doctor is going in and removing all of her scar tissue because her incisions that were recently made are not healing due to the scar tissue. So I guess it's a good surgery of sorts. No more bad news, please. After this though hopefully the next time she'll need surgery won't be until AFTER the femur is healed. Then in that case they have to go in and remove all the hardware that was keeping her bone together. And then once that is healed, she will need a complete knee replacement on that leg. We still have a long way to go but honestly, it kind of feels halfway done more then a long way :P. But the doctor did tell my mom that once the procedures were completely done, she will need to be put into some sort of drug rehabilitation center. Considering my mom relies on multiple MULTIPLE strong pain pills daily, she's going to have to eventually get weened off. So yeah...that's a step we'll take once we get there but it's gotta be done.

But other then that life has just been kind of standstill ish. Nothing exciting really...well at least nothing that I can think of at the moment. There were a bunch of things I needed/wanted to write about but honestly since the moments have come to wanna write em, they're quickly forgotten. So yeah...lovely.

I got my brother a job at my work! I'm excited for him! He's needed a job soooo bad and I got him in. It'll be nice to actually see one of my siblings aside from Becky on a day to day basis. I really miss spending nights at our dads house and spending my summers there. Those were some of the best times of my life. And then my youngest brother, Jeremy is going into the National Guard. Actually he's finished with basic training already and will be shipping off in like August or something. I'm proud of him. He was always getting into trouble so this should definitely be good for him.

My diet has turned into a yo yo situation. I really need to get back into focus because I've had quite the health scare within the past month or so. I found out I have bronchial asthma and I have to take advair as well as my inhaler daily. And I'm also anemic. So I have to take an iron supplement 2 times a day. And then I had an issue with my monthly curse. It was acting completely out of wack. So, I ended up taking a pregnancy test - which was negative. And then went to the doc to get an exam. I have to now go in to get an ultra-sound done because she thinks I may have polycystic ovaries. Which basically means that there are cysts on my ovaries and the main problem is it will be difficult for me to ever even concieve a child. So, I have to get the ultrasound done and in the meanwhile, need to keep taking birth control which is supposed to help. And then I found out that I am also if not careful soon to be a diabetic. Which clearly, I do NOT need. So I'm still watching what I eat for the most part. I need to get back into working out. But anyhow - I need to leave work now, so maybe you'll see another post in a few days.

Samantha

2010-04-14T17:11:00.000-04:00

So, Samantha and I got into this massive argument which resulted in me wanting to end our friendship over it.

This past Saturday, Samantha and I planned to go to this bar we've never been to. I told her earlier in the week that I'd be happy to go. Well as the week went on, I realized that I had maybe $30 left to my name. So I told her, I simply didn't have enough money for the bar. But I was willing to do something else, or we could reschedule the bar for another day/weekend. So she understood and agreed to just do a movie night. So Friday night came and Sam I knew had plans so I decided to use some of the money I had and asked Melody if she wanted to meet me for dinner. Well - I told Samantha about it and she got upset. She was upset over the fact that I could use some of the money I barely had to use it on dinner rather then me using it for drinks at the bar instead. I immediately got angry because it wasn't like I was ditching her the next day - I was spending time with her for her birthday, I just didn't want to go into a bar with 0 cash on me. At the time and most of the weekend I thought that was a pretty good reason. So then we started fighting even worse and she said some hurtful things, and I did the same. I ignored her pretty much all weekend after she kept persisting we get over it. And me stuck in my stubborn ways - I said no. But now since it's been a few days and I've had time to cool down, I realized that I could have at least went to the bar even without money FOR her and FOR her birthday. Because she did deserve that. Being a good friend, I should have done that. And I do feel bad now for giving her all the shit I did, and slightly feel like an asshole.

When I'm upset or anxious about something, I act on impulse. Now, on Friday there were some mean things tossed back and forth between her and I, and I basically out of my anger only saw it in MY point of view. Sure, I listened to what she had to say but I of course thought that I completely had every right to feel the anger I felt towards her. Until today, I realized that I was acting on selfishness. Now, I'm not saying we weren't both to blame for the fight - because we were. But, I should have went. She wants to know how I can easily end our friendship. It's immature - I know. But I push people out when I'm upset. I completely push them away with the stubborn 'Thats okay, I don't need you' mentality. Because well - thats just how I am. But anyway - she and I talked today and mended things back together.

I am sorry for being a dick. I should have sat back and though about it from both points of view before lashing out at you the way I did. As many rocky times as we do have, Samantha. You are my best friend. My sister. My blood. And blood will always be thicker than water. I love you.

Now please do me a favor,
GET OFF MY LAWN PSYCHO!! :)

Searchin....

2010-04-07T11:00:00.000-04:00

So, I'm on the prowl. For a car that is :) I've got enough to be able to start looking - but definitely going to save up more especially considering the cars that are on craigslist for what I can afford aren't that great! lol $1,100 isn't THAT much just yet to find something relatively newer in age and decent in mileage. But imma lookin!

Wish me luck!

-Oh yeah, this is it for now. lol lame I know.

A little update

2010-04-05T10:55:00.000-04:00

Been a little while since I've written. Figured I'd write a little. I have been slacking on working out and stuff, so I need to get back into gear. I slacked majorly this weekend. But don't worry, gonna get back to it. And asap. On another note, my ex Jesse and I are seeing eachother again. We had so many good memories together, and hopefully we'll make more :P. It's definitely nice spending time with him, the only thing that bothers me which has bothered me in the past couple of guys I've dated, is that the excitement is gone. The whole 'can't wait to see him, can't wait to talk to him' is just...gone. I miss that aspect of a relationship..and I really think that's a sign that I'm only settling for now. As sad as that is, I'm pretty positive it's the truth. I miss looking at the person I'm with and completely fall in love all over again each day. I want that again..

I know settling isn't a good thing to do, but whatever. I'm enjoying the company, and the cuddling lol

Rachel-ism

2010-03-26T14:04:00.001-04:00

Going to the gym again today :) things have been going pretty well. I've been eating right and maintaining my calories as best as possible. Did have a little difficulty the other day because my uncle decided to order my favorite pizza from my favorite place, and I ended up having a piece. But just ONE and then a salad. So I'm proud of myself for keeping my control! My only downfall is I'm not drinking as much water as I should. Kim keeps yelling at me, lol. I'm really lucky to have her around because she keeps me motivated and focused. Especially when it comes to keeping me hydrated :P I'm planning on going to the gym everyday this weekend. And tanning for the first time, since it's included in my package. I attempted to tan the other day but had a little 'Rachel-ism blonde moment' lol. Seriously this is embarrassing to tell but I'm going to.

Becky and I walked down to my tanning room to take a look and see where the start/stop button was so we both knew. Well, once we found it I shooed Becky out, got undressed and pressed the start button. Nothing happend, not lights came on, nodda. So I was like...ok? And tried again. Nodda. So I was getting frustrated that I was given the broken stand up tanning bed. I was already naked so I wasn't going to get completely dressed again only to feel like a big jackass and tell them my bed doesn't work. So...I went inside the bed and looked around and didn't see a button, so then I closed the door, thinking that maybe it was like motion detected or something. Lol, yes...I know. Shut up. But yeah, no. So I got out of the bed, got dressed and sat on the bench inside the room until my 7 mins were up. Came out, and Becky gave a look and asked why I wasn't red. So, I told her what happened and she was like.."Uh, Rach? Didn't you see the button INSIDE the tanning bed that said start/stop on the right hand side?" I clearly am a dumbass and don't pay attention to my surroundings very well when on the hunt for something, lol. So yeah...I'm an idiot. But it's at least funny.....now :P Anyhow, back to the gym tonight and finally do some tanning. Then who knows.

Have a good weekend everyone!

*More Later!*

A change for the better

2010-03-24T10:59:00.000-04:00

So Kim read this article that the most effective way to lose weight is to count your calories. So, I calculated myself up and I need to be eating at or around 1,800 a day. I really didn't realize how simple this was going to be. It's just all about counting what you eat! Duh. I don't know why I never did this before, really. But yeah..I have been going to the gym and counting my calories. Down 7 lbs! I'm really excited about this and really proud of myself for sticking to it. I doubted my ability too much, and told myself so many excuses as to why I COULDN'T work out, or why I COULDN'T eat healthy. But I can. I was so worried about working out with guys; being so self conscious and what not. Now I could give 2 craps. I'm there for the SAME exact reason they are there. So screw them.

I really need to stick to my guns on this. I know I have my days where I just wanna say screw it, but then I keep telling myself that this is the draw of the line for me, it's all or nothing. I need to do this otherwise I'm going to end up in poorer health than I already am and maybe even worse - an early death. I don't want to be 30 years old and die of a heart attack. I want to be healthy, I want my body to feel like a typical 24 year olds' body should. I want to get married someday, and carry children. I want to be able to go out and do things with my kids, run and play and go to amusement parks and ride all the rides care free. There are so many little things that this weight loss will benefit me. It's going to take a long time and I know I'm obviously going to be struggling with eating right and weight loss for the rest of my life but I need to do it. No more excuses.

Workin on mah fitness :)

2010-03-17T11:35:00.000-04:00

Went to the gym on Monday - my body KILLED me yesterday lol but back to the gym today! :) I've been doing well eating healthily. Portions and what not. It's going well :)

This is just a little update for now, back to work!

Getting back to business!

2010-03-15T16:02:00.000-04:00

I'm going back to the gym today. Melody's wedding is about a year away, and I need to make sure the bridesmaid dress fits me nicely! So yeah, I'm going to get my ass back into the gym and work my ass off! No more excuses! I'm reading this book and there is an amazing quote in here that I will be living by, and you should too.

"Don't let anybody tell you that you can't do it. You can. It's up to you. Decide to do it and follow through."
-Porter Freeman

Updates on how I'm doing will be coming :)

My Birthday :)

2010-03-08T14:25:00.001-05:00

So I thought today was going to be really...really lame. But it definitely hasn't been! It's been great! ANDDD I finally got something long overdue and incredibly deserved - a RAISE! :) It's $1.00 more but shit - that's definitely good for me! :)

Dinner tonight with Samantha and Beck

Eventful Weekend

2010-03-07T19:34:00.000-05:00

Man! This weekend has been INNNNsane! I am so so relieved to finally get time to relax! Moms' surgery went well. Thank you for the prayers and thoughts! They inserted little antibiotic beads to eat at the infection and she has to go back in for surgery again in 6 weeks to have them removed. It sucks for her to have to go back in but they're not opening her up as much as they did Friday, just a small portion near the knee. He said moms' knee is also completely gone and she will absolutely have to have a knee replacement when her femur is healed. Poor mom can't get a break. But I'm keeping positive thoughts that there will be light at the end of this long winding road. They're not sure of when she will get to come home but I'm assuming no later then next Sunday. That night after the surgery was the Josh Gracin concert and it was SO much fun! We walked in while Josh was finishing sound check and he walked RIGHT past me - but I of course didn't say a damn word! lol But neither did Samantha and she was also standing right next to me. We got to meet his band members but sadly that was the only close encounter we got with him. Damnit! But all in all it was a great night spent with my good friends.

Saturday was Ambers' baby shower. It was nice, and definitely had a good turn out. My aunt and cousins and Becky as well as myself helped set up and take everything down. But yeah it was nice. That night, I was SUPPOSED to hang out with Nate, but that didn't happen. Nor will it ever again. (More details on that in a minute). - So onto today - I had my cousin Nick and Melissas' wedding shower. It was interesting, not bad. We had some brunch and sipped on some mimosa's lol. It was nice. And then afterward, my sister, aunt and cousins and myself went out to dinner - it was nice spending time with them. And then spent the rest of the afternoon at the hospital with mom.

Now onto Nate. For a 29 year old - he is a huge fucking BABY! And he handles situations HORRIBLY. He and I discussed making plans on hanging out Sat night - and Sunday night. Saturday morning he shot me a text asking me what I was up to and I told him that I had the baby shower and was going to see my mom for a little and then we could spend the rest of the evening together. All of a sudden he was like - Oh well, nevermind - and then signed off on me. So I called him - he didn't answer. Fine. Whatever. So I left him an offline asking him what his deal was and why in the hell he was mad. No response and he was on and offline all day. He completely ignored me until this afternoon. He responded by telling me was tired of being stood up - which I have NEVER ever done. Ive spent all the free time I have had with him and when I'm planning something with friends, I made sure he was always included. Except for the concert of course which was sold out. So that was out of my hands. So regardless - whenever he gets mad about something he doesn't say a word he'll just ignore me. So seriously FUCK that. I do not need a guy like that in my life. I understand not being open about your feelings but come on don't act like a little bitch about it. You're 29! If you're pissed, TELL ME! So I broke up with him, clearly. And another one bites the dust. Shame.

So yeah this weekend has been rather incredibly eventful. On to my lame ass birthday tomorrow.

24...yay...not.

Mom

2010-03-05T07:05:00.000-05:00

Today is moms' surgery. Please wish us luck.

Nate

2010-03-01T23:42:00.000-05:00

Nate has been so great, truly. He's sweet, attentive and really really cares about me and keeping me happy. He even came over yesterday and had dinner and watched movies with my family and I. He's totally into impressing them and showing them that he adores me. So what in the HELL is my problem?! I swear I think I'm afraid of letting a good thing happen to me. This whole past situation has really messed me up. Seriously, what the hell.

Patience is a virtue...

2010-02-28T22:00:00.000-05:00

This week is going to be crazy busy. Statements are going to have to be sent out this week at work, so I have to make sure all of them are done. All 3 states - 200+. Including deposits. Lovely. Then Friday is moms surgery as well as the Josh Gracin concert that same night. Saturday is my cousin Amber's baby shower, then Sunday is my cousins wedding shower. And then Monday is my birthday. I really have to keep my patience this week. Try not to over stress and especially not let my mom see my stress. She's worried and stressed enough. It hurts me to see my mom have to go through all of this all over again. They have to take out EVERYTHING completely and put in new hardware. So yeah it is basically like starting at step 1 again. I do feel that god gives us trials to go through, but damn...why is he hitting my mom with all of this? It sucks.

I'm sure I will write another blog before Friday but everyone please keep my mom and our family in your prayers.

2010-02-24T23:24:00.001-05:00

Ending a 10 year friendship over petty miscommunication really is ridiculous. I'm sorry, and I love you to death.

2010-02-24T10:13:00.000-05:00

Samantha and I are no longer speaking. Does it bother me? Yes, of course it does. But she went WAY over the line yesterday. It pisses me off to no end her sitting there writing in her blog making her seem like a 'victim'. She was the one who started this WHOLE argument! She told me she felt bad about neglecting her friends and I told her I understood because I know how busy we BOTH are! Shes sitting there saying that I made a big deal about us not hanging out often. BULLSHIT. She did! And she even complained to me that I dont make plans the way she'd like. I ask her AHEAD of time if she's free on a certain day because I'd like to include her. Well that wasn't good enough. She wants me to ask her what day shes available. Come on! I at least ASK and INCLUDE you in the things I do. I'm tired of sugar coating how I feel towards her because I'm afraid to hurt her feelings. She doesn't ever see things in someone elses eyes. It's always about her.

Yesterday was horrible. I mean beyond horrible that I actually started crying at work. With everything that kept happening right after the other it seriously got the best of me and I couldn't take it. She knew I was having a bad day yesterday and I really really needed someone to talk to but she still had to have her 'say'. Some friend. She wonders why I am so angry towards her. How can I turn to someone like that? She has so many selfish moments it's unreal. I know I am far from perfect, and yes I absolutely could have been a better friend when it comes to us communicating, but I have ALWAYS been there to listen to her, to be there for her through ANYTHING she goes through. Just because I don't ASK her about certain things going on in her life is simply because she's already beaten me to it by telling me. So therefore, I don't ask.

I told her she's changed. And she has.Am I proud of her for being more successful now more then ever? Absolutely, but as a friend - yes she's changed. And no I'm not talking about how close we were years ago because yes that was in high school and just out of high school where we had all the time in the world to hang out. No responsibilities. Yes that was nice but, people change, people grow. But there are certain situations in our past that has caused me to pull away from Samantha. There are 2 important situations. The first one, was when I lost one of the most important people in my life. My grandmother. Samantha wasn't there. At all. I coped with that without my best friend in the world by my side. And that scar will always be there. And secondly - when she met Mark. I won't go into details about him, but she knows what I'm talking about.

She never fully sees the situations on both ends. I'm tired of fighting about all of this. And I'm tired of getting shit thrown in my face about how much harder I can work to be a good friend. I was doing what I could. And since that's not good enough for her, then ending the friendship is what needed to be done.

I hope she and Brian have a long, happy and successful life together.

2010-02-23T15:26:00.000-05:00

I swear...if this day couldn't get any fucking worse. Not only my issues with Nate;
This morning I found out that our field manager that was recently MIA - fired, and rehired was given a $2 raise per the bosses. I understand that our cleaners are 'money makers' but damnit...I am too! I work my ass off for them and I get 0 appreciation. Nadda. Zilch. It just makes me wonder what in the FUCK I'm doing all this hard work for???

And then on top of that, we had some bad news strike my family. Again. My mom's doctor told her that her leg has flared up full of infection again. And it's so bad that the screws in her leg have come out of her bone and the appliance. So they now have to go in and open her up completely and take EVERYTHING out. We have to now start from square 1. Her surgery is set for next Friday.

And THEN. Samantha. Here I'm trying to turn to my 'best friend' to tell her about what's going on today - because obviously I need someone I can turn to. She has the nerve to start throwing shit in my face about basically being a bad friend, and not talking to her often or not making plans to see her anymore. And why I dont make an effort and so on and so forth. Are you KIDDING me!?! SHE is the one that moved a fucking hour and a half away and basically cut me out of most of her life. I dont invite her to do much of anything because shes ALWAYS doing something else, always busy doing this and doing that. And my schedule during the week is busy too! This is such fucking bullshit. Shes sitting there pretty much calling me a poor friend. FUCK THAT man. Im tired of facing blame on whoever. I don't need this shit right now. She needs to seriously get off that high horse of hers and get a REALITY CHECK! Fucking TIRED of it!

2010-02-22T22:35:00.000-05:00

How far does being honest really get you? In some cases, not very far I guess. Nate is pissed at me. And he's pissed because I was being honest. He and I were talking through IM and he mentioned something about getting a hotel room next weekend together. And I told him, that if we decide to go any further (sleeping together), please dont screw me over. And he said, you actually think I would do that? And signed off on me.It really bugs me that he would handle the situtation the way he did. Now, sure I could have put it in better terms and I understand him being upset...thinking I don't trust his intentions. But honestly, I don't completely. I don't feel comfortable sleeping with someone that I'm not even in a relationship with. And he KNOWS this. We've hung out maybe 4 times. I really don't feel thats enough time to decide whether or not to sleep with them. I sent him and offline and apologized the way it came off, but I was just being honest. Yes I do tend to go in trusting someone, but not 100 percent. Especially not someone I've just met. We don't hang out or talk enough for me to completely trust him. I have trust issues as it is. Sam told me that I'm afraid. Because of the whole Arman situation, I'm afraid to get close to someone again so I'm penalizing Nate for Arman's mistakes. And maybe that is so. But regardless I strongly feel that having sex is very intimate and something you do with someone that you care deeply for, and are in a relationship with. And if I dont have that, then I won't be sleeping with them. Some of you may think I'm wrong and being judgemental. But I really don't think I am. I'm in no way shape or form perfect. But I have my standards. So, I guess we'll see if he responds to my messages tomorrow. And if not, then it obviously wasn't meant to happen for us.

My Weekend

2010-02-22T16:26:00.000-05:00

This weekend was a blast! Tiring, but a blast! :)

Friday night Nate came over and it was sooo sweet, he made me homemade calzones. It was SOOO good! And then we watched some movies. It was very nice :) he's doing a good job lol

Saturday, was the Dearborn Volupt dance. It was a great time! I wore this sexy outfit which I would normally NEVER wear but, it paid off ;) I was looking/feeling good! Slept like crap that night though :/

Yesterday the family and I went to see Shutter Island. It was an alright movie. Pretty predictable. But not bad. Then after the movie I just went home and pretty much lounged around the rest of the day. I was exhausted from the day before and lack of sleep the night before, so I crashed early. But all in all my weekend was a good weekend! Now hopefully my week will go by quick and painless lol

More soon!

Life

2010-02-18T12:23:00.000-05:00

Man. This week has been HECTIC as F***! Work has been crazy. And then my sister has been dealing with some issues with the lady she babysits for. Her 15 yr old daughter got pregnant. So she took her to get it 'taken care of'. And Makaya (the daughter) shows that she pretty much didn't learn a THING from this. Because while I was over the other night helping out, Makaya asked my sister if she would tell on her if she brought this boy that was over into her room. And Becky, trying not to be a bitch told her no that she wouldn't tell. Well, I told Becky - her mother would NOT approve of that, and Margie (the mom) trusts her as a friend/babysitter. I told her that Makaya is pretty much taking advantage of you because you're too nice. And I told her she needed to tell her mother. Well, Becky didn't. And I guess yesterday Makaya pulled the same stunt and had the boy over in her room with the door closed and locked once again. And this pissed me off. Especially because we know it bothers Becky and she was too afraid to tell Margie because she didn't want Kaya to get mad at her or Margie to get mad that Becky let her. Well regardless my mom and I talked Becky into texting Margie and letting Margie know the situation. Margie went all ape shit on Kaya (as she should) and Kaya I guess all upset, went into the bathroom and called up her cousin which is Becky's best friends' little sister and started saying really loud how "Becky is such a bitch and thats fucking low how she'd do that to me" and yadda yadda. So thankfully Becky shrugged it off, and Margie thanked her over and over for telling her. And Margie also said that even though she definitely trusts Becky, but she now trusts her even more. So Makaya can have the bitch look towards Becky but, Becky did the right thing. And she knows it. So good did come out of this situation thankfully. Now I just have to try and keep my mouth shut when I'm over there helping Becky because this little girl doesnt wanna start running her mouth towards my sister. Cuz I'll get involved. And I really don't think she'd want that.

I'm supposed to hang out with Nate tomorrow night. I'm not really sure if I want things going any further. There's just certain little things and I don't know. Just eh. We'll see.

I can't wait to get today and tomorrow over with. I really need a de-stress day. Even though Saturday night is the Volupt dance. I'm probably going to have to work the table or something. Who knows. Anyway...there's more to write but kind of drawing a blank at the moment. So, more later blogworld.

2010-02-15T15:01:00.000-05:00

So this weekend was pretty nice. Friday night I had dinner with Samantha and Brian, Melody and Kyle and Nate and Myself. It was really nice. We got there at around 7 and ended up sitting around talking till almost 11. Melody and Kyle seem to really like Nate. He and Kyle hit it off right away so that was a big plus :P Then Saturday, I drove out to Taylor and met up with Nate and Melody and Kyle at Starbucks. Talked for a little and then Nate and I went to dinner. He's great! Smart, funny, sweet, goal oriented. Definitely someone I'd like to spend more time with. We're taking things very slowly, cuz I definitely don't need a repeat of the last year. I want to make sure I know EVERYTHING about this man before we go any further. He's got some flaws but honestly, what person doesn't? I just know that regardless I refuse to waste my time again. Anyhow, Valentines' Day was kind of lame. I stayed at home most of the day because Nate didn't want to do anything. But I really wanted to go see Dear John, tried talking Melody into going but she obviously had plans with Kyle. So I didnt get to :/ damnit. I think I'm just going to go by myself one of these nights after work. Why the hell not.

The next few weeks shouldnt be too busy. But the beginning of next month is going to be CRAZY! On Friday the 5th Sam, Bri, Mel, Kyle and myself are going to see Josh Gracin @ Alberts. Can't believe he's playing there, lol! Oh well whatever should be a BLAST regardless! So we're going to that, then the next day is my cousins baby shower, and then that Sunday is my cousins wedding shower. Then on Monday it's my 24th BIRTHDAY! Woohoo! Not. lol Nothing special planned for it. No need..it's just pretty much another year now.

You would think that turning 24 would be huge for me. I wish I could look back and say.."Look at all I've accomplished." and sadly, I can't. I see people younger than me with better jobs, places of their own...a CAR! I know that once I get a car, I can get a place. I just need to add in time spent saving up to at least get me well over for a down payment on an apartment. Melody, Kyle and I discussed moving into a place together. Which I'd like to, for companies sake. Cuz I love them. And esp Mel obviously. I think she'd be a great roomie. But they're getting married. And this is their trial period with one another once they move in together. I dont want to interfere with that. And also, I really do need a place of my own. Come in...kick my shoes off and crash on the couch with noone yelling or asking this and that of me. It may seem selfish to you, but if you were in my shoes I'm pretty sure you'd understand. I've got $$ saved in my savings account for my car. I'm getting closer and closer to saving up my goal amount. So that's exciting! Finally being able to also pay off a little of my debt. The lawyer from Sam and I's apartment is officially paid off. I'm paying on my school loan and now also paying off some stupid bill that I owe. But whatever it's paid. I guess accomplishments take slow and steady steps. But, I'm getting there I think. Now, as much as I cherish having my job and love (most) people I work with, I still wish I had a job that offers DAMN good benefits...a 401-K and all that jazz. But that's something I gotta wait on I guess.

Anyhow...I'm blabbing so I guess I'm gonna go for now.

2010-02-13T22:38:00.000-05:00

So, I've met someone amazing. :) Date #3 tomorrow :)

2010-02-12T11:07:00.003-05:00

From the moment that we met

My world was turned around

Upside down

To some degree I still regret

My memory for keeping you around

I thought that you were mine

But my broken hearts been shattered

One too many times

And I don't want to see you anymore

I'm just not that strong

I love it when you're here,

But I'm better when you're gone

I'm certain that I've given and oh how you can take

There's no use in you looking

There's nothing left for you to break

Baby please release me

Let my heart rest in pieces

2010-02-10T18:07:00.000-05:00

So life as of late has been really busy. I've been working, and then after work Mon-Weds going and helping Becky babysit until 10 o clock at night. Then, on Thursdays after work; taking her to class and picking her back up at 9. It's been crazy. And I've been sick but my weekends still manage to be busy. It's insane. I don't think I've had a recent weekend to actually sit back and relax. Hopefully I'll have one soon.

On a happy note, I'm talking to someone. His name is Nate, and he seems really awesome. We've been talking everyday for the past couple of weeks. I have a double date with him on Friday with Melody and Kyle. So wish me luck! lol

My life lately has been feeling like a depressing repeat of events all day and everyday. I'm trying to keep my head up...it's just hard. My music used to be such a HUGE part of my life...and I can't even write anything anymore. Singing isnt' even as important anymore. And it really bothers me. It used to be my life...used to be the definition of myself. And now...it feels like I'm just this empty shell. No feelings...dont care about anything. It scares me. Cuz I don't like being this way. It's not who I am.

2010-01-29T16:00:00.000-05:00

He's met someone else. You would think that after 4 months of us being apart that I'd be alright...I'd be content with that and especially happy for him. But I'm not. Which sure, I suppose it's normal to feel a little jealous finding out that your most recent ex has someone new. But this is more than jealousy. And it frustrates the HELL out of me. Why havent these feelings for him gone away?? I dont understand it. He and I barely speak...so this should've HELPED! But it hasn't. What am I going to do? Yeah of course I'll always love him and I'm fine with that. But when am I going to get this sting out of my heart and knot out of my stomach whenever a thought of him passes through my mind? Time is supposed to heal wounds so..I guess I'll keep waiting this out.

2010-01-28T00:00:00.002-05:00

You know...I have some days where when I think of him and that sting isn't there. But days like today, suck. I've thought about him so much today and it breaks my heart. I hate myself for falling so hard for him. And it breaks my heart even more because not only have I lost him as my boyfriend, but my very best friend. A piece of me is missing. It really is. :(

If only I were missed just as much....

2010-01-19T00:12:00.001-05:00

I'm tired of wasting my time caring so god damn much. I'm fucking done. I don't care anymore.I don't need anyone. Even you.

So

2010-01-14T16:45:00.000-05:00

What do you do when you're not happy...at all? :( I can't afford to talk to 'someone' about my depression and I don't have medical insurance to get on anything. I'm really wanting to just break down and cry...and for what reason you ask? I don't know. Because I'm just THAT unhappy.

Fuck.

Going into 2010...

2009-12-29T09:19:00.001-05:00

So, I heard from Melody. She sent me a text on Saturday basically going off on me for my previous blog. She was telling me how much I hurt her feelings and how she's afraid of letting anyone in and this and that. I understand everyone has their issues..I GET that. But if after 3 years of a seemingly close friendship you STILL feel like you can't open up to me? Then there is something terribly wrong. And that hurts. She called me a hypocrite because I talked about how friendships were a 2 way street but I didn't come to her to tell her I was mad at her. She's done this before. Shes pushed us away and Sam and I both kept trying and trying to open her up and told her how we've felt and we thought we ALL understood. Especially her. But she went off and pushed us away again. You can only do so much as a friend. And I think I've proven enough to show that I AM/WAS a good friend. So in that case; all thats happened - it's been decided that we won't be friends any longer. It sucks and it hurts but I dont want an unhealthy friendship like that.

In regards to Sam, we're good. We've certainly had our downs this year but we're managing okay. I really feel this statement is correct. Real friends can prevail and make it through just about anything. And sadly with Mel, it just didn't happen.

On the health front; I joined a Gym! :) I'm an official Planet Fitness member! I'm starting on Saturday and plan on working my ass off to my ability from there forward. This is a start of a new life for me and really I'm sooo excited to get the ball rolling. I know it's going to be a rough road ahead but seeing the results on the scale and everything will absolutely push me to continue. Being healthy is my #1 goal. I'll be sure to keep my blog updated with my trials of my weight loss journey so keeping up on my posts is MUCH appreciated! :)

I guess thats all for now - more soon!

reflecting

2009-12-27T01:57:00.001-05:00

Wow.....there are so many things that have happened this year. One specific event that I really wished I never would have allowed to happen. He knows what I'm talking about. I'll never regret him and what we had when we had it...I just really think that I shouldn't have let myself get so head over heels with someone that never really seemed to be with me or mine from the beginning. But I guess that's all water under the bridge now. I've just gotta work on letting the rest of the feelings go and moving on. I miss him but us not talking is making it easier for me to get over him. I'm sure he's dealing just fine with it all as he always has. Anyhow I'm writing this on my phone and my hand is starting to hurt so I'm just gonna finish writing more tomorrow. Night.

2009-12-21T23:47:00.001-05:00

Well the flu I had is finally gone..now its time to battle the chest cold I have. My immune system is really hating me right now :(

2009-12-19T22:40:00.001-05:00

So sick.... :(

2009-12-14T19:52:00.000-05:00

Ugh...I feel like shit :( My face is all hott but my body is completely freezing..I really hope I'm not coming down with something. That would completely suck considering I cant take any sick days. Need a new job....need a new job.

I'm looking forward to the new year; Jan 1st I'm going to begin my complete weight loss journey. Haven't stuck to it ever but this time I'm damn sure going to keep my promise to myself. I need this. My body is hating me and I hate it just as much.

2009-12-07T13:37:00.001-05:00

I want you to know, that it doesn't matter where we take this road. Someones gotta go...

You know that I love you so I....love you enough to let you go.

You were my best friend, and you will always hold a special place in my heart.

Always,

2009-12-04T00:34:00.001-05:00

This past relationship has really messed me up. I want the old me back... :(

2009-11-29T23:32:00.001-05:00

I need help. I really feel that I am trapped in my unhealthy oversized body. I don't feel worthy of anything good in my life. I need to make a change, now.

Friendships

2009-11-28T19:29:00.000-05:00

Life lately has been ugh...I don't even know. Shitty. Did you ever think that something you considered so important could really end up not mattering anymore? Certain friendships that I thought I needed more than anything; I really could care less if I have anymore. Why keep people in your life that you can't trust and most importantly, can't turn to? Alongside family, friends are just as important. And sadly, I don't have that anymore. It used to bother me but now..I really don't care. My friends used to be the most important thing to me. Now, I'm done with it. With them. Melody pft. She never talks to you unless the other person contacts her and most of the time it's not even her answering her phone it's Kyle. She doesn't even bother texting me or anything keeping me involved in her life; nothing. I don't call that a fucking friend at all. I'm fucking done with it. And Samantha...our friendship has really went downhill. Shes not my best friend anymore. I can never talk to her because she's never around to talk to. And most importantly this whole lawyer/financial bullshit has gotten in between us. I shouldnt have to be 'fit in' to someones schedule either. I'm just done with it all. Fucking done. My finances...I'm so stressed and so damn screwed. I can barely afford to get the little things I need on top of the bills I pay. Ugh. My life is so screwed up right now...

♪♫♪

2009-11-24T14:38:00.001-05:00

So what if it hurts me?
So what it I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I'm just trying to be happy
I just wanna be happy, yeah

Leaving the pieces behind

2009-11-21T15:11:00.001-05:00

I realized something today. I've still been holding on to hope. I haven't been able to let him go...let our memories go. Good or bad. I even had a folder in my email with stuff of us for a keepsake or something. Pathetic. I deleted it. I'm finally letting it go. I'm no longer going to let him see and be the bitter, hurt ex girlfriend. I'll just be the friend he wants. I've held on to that hope of wishing he would someday realize that letting me go was a mistake. It's stupid. I'm stupid. I am angry at myself because I feel pathetic..how could I let him see such a weak side of me? It's ridiculous.

Just like he said; what's done is done. Move on, girl.

Ughh

2009-11-18T00:43:00.002-05:00

When will the pain go away? When will that ache in my heart whenever I see his face finally dissolve...god I love him...damnit help me get over him.

♫♪Rachel's World♫♪

Never enough....

New Year...New Life....

I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise

1 step forward....3 steps back

Down

Blog Friends!! I need your help!!

Get back on track

A lot on my mind...but not enough words to express my thoughts...

Still around...

I'm still here!

Post 20 lbs picture!

5% goal is HIT :)

A new Rachel

*~Thinking~*

May 2nd 2007

Update

Weight Loss update...

Day 7

Day 2

A new Day.....A new ME

Wow..

Men

RIP

The new love of my life...

March 8th

Valentine's Day

Waiting

Life update

A New Chapter

It's my time

Gram

My immune system sucks

My Past...And the old me...

Trial and Error

I wonder...

On the back burner....

DONE

Excuses Excuses...

Single

......

Hotel Room Confessions - LOL

Updates

Self Explanitory :)

Lame update...not even an update lol

Ahhhh :)

Moving on up!

Closing my doors for a while...

Standing Tall

Karma...

A Change gon' come...

Wow...

Bad Day

The Email

Overshare Blog

In the mind of an overweight person...

Weekend

Updates

Samantha

Searchin....

A little update

Rachel-ism

A change for the better

Workin on mah fitness :)

Getting back to business!

My Birthday :)

Eventful Weekend

Mom

Nate

Patience is a virtue...

My Weekend

Life

So

Going into 2010...

reflecting

Friendships

♪♫♪

Leaving the pieces behind

Ughh

~Thinking~